Some random thoughts.
So my wife, daughter and I went to the buffet the other night and I couldn’t help but to find myself staring at a man eating noodles. Now I wasn’t starring because he was eating noodles. Instead I found myself starring because as I was chewing my food I happened to look over at him and saw he was slurping his noodle up his face, over his beard, and into his mouth. For some reason this was so disgusting to me, but at the same time I couldn’t help but gawk. I think part of me kept looking hoping that he would wipe not only his face but also his beard. Not the case. I mean think about it. During the course of the day this man probably had 3-4 meals. If at any point he dropped food in his beard I’m sure he didn’t wipe it clean. Why? Who knows. Maybe it gives a barbaric feeling of accomplishment? Ugg, I killed my food and now I eat. Whatever the case I am sure he still has soy sauce hanging out in there.
The next example of beard grunge came at the gym. So I’m working out on the elliptical and look over. Here I see one of the Duck Dynasty guys (not really, just resembled) working out in full blown camouflage hunting gear. Jacket, pants and shoes. Now this was already reason for concern since I felt like at any moment he may start shooting thinking we were all game. But then during one of his breaks he reaches over, grabs his Gatorade, and begins drinking like he just got done the NYC marathon. The Gatorade began pouring out of the side of his mouth and running down his beard. It was to the point where I started having flashes of Dracula lifting his head up after sucking on some poor souls neck. But, yet again, I find myself now starring, waiting to see if he will wipe his mouth and beard. This time Mr. Hillbilly does wipe. But don’t get overly excited. He only wiped his mouth. With juice still running down his face, he proceeds over to the next machine. I will be using lots of spray cleaner if I go over there.
Now listen. I’m all for a good mustache, beard, goatee, whatever. But keep it clean. I myself have a goatee, and the number one thing I think about is if I have something in it. Walking around using your face as a human trash compactor is not attractive or cool. If you want to rock a beard then do it with class. I’m sure ZZ top (younger folks might have to Google them) isn’t going around with FunYun’s and chicken wings all up in there.
Keep it clean
Thanks to YouTube user arven979 for posting this video. Words couldn’t describe it any better.
So after about a month I figured I would attempt to get my out of shape ass back in the gym. With my knee still swollen and my fingers still doing the Crip sign I threw on my workout gear and headed out. As I’m driving I try to think about what exactly I will be able to do with the swelling I still have going on. The last thing I want is to look like some crazy man gimping around on the elliptical or drop a weight on myself since I can’t grab anything with my left hand. At the same time the movement and sweating will help get rid of the excess fluid so I know I have to go. If you have some swelling from gout you should try getting active. It really does help. Once I pull-up to the gym I know right away its going to be an interesting experience since the parking lot is jam-packed. I look over at the entrance and people were going in like they were giving away free liposuction. My guess is that it is crowded because it is January. I’m assuming by February or March the resolution crowd will be gone. On a side note, Leo Widrich has an interesting blog about: The Science of New Year’s Resolutions. Okay, back to my story. Upon entering I saw it was just as crowded as I thought. However, there was a pleasant surprise. What’s the surprise? Everywhere I looked there was an attractive, toned-up female stretching, running, and doing weights. No matter where I went I felt like I was gonna be “that guy” who is trying to pick-up a girl by working out next to her. With my stomach sucked in and perfect posture, I work my way over to the elliptical. On my way over to the elliptical I almost walked into a railing. This was because to my left was a lady in tights who felt she needed to put her leg at the very top of the treadmill she was on to stretch. I dare any guy to walk by this and NOT look. At the ellipticals there was not one spot I could have gone that didn’t make me look like a pervert. So I jump on my machine and start going. I had two very attractive girls on both sides of me and a whole buffet line of butts thumping up and down in front of me. There was not one direction that felt safe to look. My solution was to just stare down at the elliptical or look up at the fan and zone out. Sounded good but every couple of minutes I found myself in somewhat of a trance, not realizing at some point I started staring at the temptations in front of me. Thank God I only set the timer to 15 minutes.
Because of my recent gout attack I haven’t been in the Gym in about two months. To say I was winded would be a monumental understatement. At about the 2 minute mark I had already hit my target heart rate. At 3 minutes I was about 10 beats over my target. Five minutes in I swore my heart was going to jump out of my chest and run the hell out of the gym. Here is where pride kicks in. With all of these vixens around me there was no way I could stop, start hitting buttons to change resistance, or start breathing hard like a creepy stalker. I came up with a plan that I felt was pretty creative. I would slow down a little to take sips of Gatorade and to change songs on my IPOD. This would allow me enough time to catch my breath and calm my heart down before I became one of those guys on the news that collapses at the gym. Guess what? SUCCESS!!!!!! I was able to pretty much hobble through the 15 minutes of hell. Getting off I almost lost my swagger when my Jell-O legs came close to giving out on me. After the elliptical I was pretty spent. I figured I could do two more machines and get out of dodge. I finished up and took my still sucked in stomach back to the car to get home.
Moral of my story…..If you are a guy and out of shape, maybe you should wait until the gym is empty. We just can’t handle looking bad in front of the ladies.